This song describes my situation

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Certain parts of this song describe pretty much what I’m going through now. I’d like tho highlight those sentences:

You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart

I tried so hard
And got so far

I had to fall
To lose it all

And I thought things could be different. But I’m just seeing I’m doomed and destined to certain things. 🙁

Last year

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Last year was completely different of every other year. For the very first time in my life I had courage and discipline to fight for what I wanted. I saw a lot of results, some came very quickly. But certain things are too good to be true. I lost everything twice and in the second time, I also lost my hope, discipline and strength.

From a self-confident, respectable winner I ended up turning into a big loser. I think I was never such a loser in my whole life. My self-esteem is incredibly low and I don’t have strength enough to keep going. Years of being mistreated, repressed and beaten are coming all at once.

I wanna find a reason to continue living. I already know where to find it, but getting there is proving to be very difficult. If I was not totally fucked up, this would be way easier. Unfortunately, even if I get there I don’t know if I will be able to find it. I do have two “artificial alternatives” which might not work at all. Besides, I don’t know how easy they will be.

I also tried to get better slowly, but the society just doesn’t help. The world is full of frustrated people and unfortunately they feel important by smashing people who are weaker than them. My body language, facial expression and way of speaking pretty much advertise that I’m a way bigger loser than they’re. So when I start to get better, a loser comes and fucks my progress up. I’m considering fighting those people back, but unfortunately I’m stuck in a city full of cameras, so this is likely to put me in jail.

I really gotta sort this out quickly. I still have a few resources to keep me alive, but unfortunately I won’t have them for long. If I don’t act fast, I will be unable to survive and will lose quite a lot of opportunities that will be hard to get in the future.

Somewhere in London – United Kingdom

In London

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So it’s been a few days since I arrived in London. This city is very cool and big, but I don’t think I will stay here forever. My heart is still in Berlin. I will get back to Germany in next year, at least for a few months. I might eventually settle here, but not at the moment. I’m not sure about what I’m gonna do in the end.

London is a very nice city. It’s HUGE, beautiful, exactly the way I like. It has its problems, like the cost of living and crime. For first world standards the United Kingdom is very violent, but I wouldn’t dare comparing it to South Africa, Brazil and some parts of Russia. The salaries here don’t seem to be that high. It seems they’re higher in Germany, at least for IT. A great thing about the UK is that the people here are *VERY* nice. British people are polite and helpful. I’d say they’re even nicer than Germans(which people usually hate, I don’t know why).

In the past few weeks I got to the end of the rope. For years I’ve been carrying several times more weight than I can. So many traumas of years of physical and emotional abuse are now comming. Ever since I smoked weed for the first time, I cannot repress my emotions anymore. Which is good in some ways. I read a couple psychology books in the past, but nothing focused on childhood traumas. Now I’m reading one that’s focused on it and I hope to get over certain things. I’m quite glad to find out certain things. I got a personality that’s not mine. I’m glad I’m not this looser I’m right now. Two nice things I found out is that I’m not hateful and that I’m not macho. In fact, I hate violence. Now it’s time to bring back the rest of my original personality that was lost years ago and start living a normal, happy life.

I’m having a hard time here in London with the money. Pound sterling bills are quite easy to identify, but coins are a pain in the ass. It’s very hard to read their value. All you can see is a HUGE picture of the queen. A classic example of a cult of personality.

[Quick post]Diet

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I started a diet on saturday. Basically I’m on a huge caloric deficit(about 1 thousand calories) and am eating almost no carbs. This is how my diet is:

-200 grams of casein(which I absorb about 180 grams of protein)
-50~80 grams of carbs
I’m also taking caffeine. I started from 200MG a day kept increasing the dosage. Yesterday I toke 600MG.
When I started, my belly was 86CM and it’s now 82CM. The bad thing is that there was also some muscle loss. My forearm went from 29CM to 28CM and my arms are like 2CM smaller. Muscle loss is bad, but I can get my muscle back easily once I start working out again!
I think my abs will be visible in about a week! Today I’m going to take a break as I will go out tonight. But I will be back to it tomorrow.

In Germany

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I finally left Brazil. I’m in Berlin ATM and looking for a place to live. I will apply for the freelancer visa as soon as possible 🙂

BTW, why does everyone in this city think I’m American? lol


Week log 1

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Well, I made a lot of plans for last week. It’s part of my plan to become a “super power” in one year. Well, let’s see the progress so far:

Guitar – I started learning from scratch and I must say I learned a lot. I changed my learning method. I’m learning theory first, instead of songs. I will keep studying theory and once I finish it, I will start learning how to play some songs. I will buy another guitar as soon as I have money because mine doesn’t seem to be working very well. 🙁
Diet – My belly is visible smaller. My forearms veins are also more visible. I think I must have lost about 2KG this week. I think more 10~15 days will be enough for me to have a 8% body fat. 
Whey Protein – Got 1KG of whey and 1KG of maltodextrin.
Sue my ex broadband provider – Unfortunately I couldn’t  to do it yet. I was going to do it on Thursday, but I went to the wrong place. I was told to call a number from the local court in order to get more information about it. I will do it this week.
Bonus hint – I started reading How to Make Friends and Influence People. Knowing how to deal with people is a key for success IMHO.
I also want to get back to learning russian this week, but it will probably happen only on the next one.
It’s 6 in the morning here. Now it’s time for me to get dressed and go to the grocery store to buy some food.

This week

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Well, after a lot of work I finally finished Metropolis. Now that it’s released I can start focusing on other stuff. Believe or not, I started working on it on December 2011. I was working on it on my free time, so I didn’t have much time to work on it. Well, now it’s released. I hope for god I will get some nice money from it. Even if I don’t get, Metropolis is too fucking cool. So far I’m proud of it.

Well, I’ve got a plan for this year. The goal is to do everything I was supposed to have done years ago. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to write here who’s my inspiration for the plan. Well, anyway, I’m going to become a slave. And I finally solved my motivation and focus problems.
This week I will start a weight loss program. I simply stop drinking too much soft drinks. I love them, but they won’t let me lose weight easily. I will drink no more than 2 cans a day. I know I should drink no soda at all, but if I try anything that’s too complicated I will end up giving up. Last year I ran a 13 day Albuterol cycle. I was able to lose 2KG without losing muscle mass. And I wasn’t even on a diet. Now the goal is to lose 5~6KG. Yeah, I want to become very lean. 8% body fat or less is fine. Last time I toke 12MG a day, this time I want to start from 4MG every four hours and go 8MG every 4 hours. Considering I will be on a diet and that I’m now on TRT, there’s a big change I will be able to lose all the weight I want in just 2 weeks.
This week I will also get serious on learning how to play the guitar. If I study it for 30 minutes everything, I will play it decently in a few weeks. I will start from scratch, learning chords and sound effects. Well, it won’t be easy, but I have to learn it. It would help me a lot. I mean, those who can play an instrument always get attention. It’s easier even to make friends.
This week I will also sue my former broadband provider. They simply cut my signal and when I tried calling them, the phone would just stay mute. The store I subscribed the service from said they wouldn’t help me. WTF!? I’m not even able to cancel it. And worst of all, I needed to finish Metropolis quickly because it will be sold on MacUpdate Promo on monday. I got another broadband provider and now it’s working fine(let’s hope it will work for long). 
I also have to buy more whey protein. 
Well, this week won’t be easy, but I will have to start getting on a routine if I want to succeed.
BTW, I’m writing this post from Metropolis and I must say it’s WAY better than the WordPress admin. Seriously, I have no idea why I never tried using a blogging app before. It’s very good to write a post on it. And I really really hope Metropolis will be successful. Yeah, I’m paranoid. 😛

It’s been 2 years

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Wow, it’s been 2 years since I moved from Rio de Janeiro to São Paolo. I moved to here on 21/02/2011. Today I was looking at the calendar and I noticed February 21 was 3 days ago. In those 2 years, I learned a lot, changed a lot and so did my life. Somethings didn’t change at all, and probably never will…

This year was shit

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This year was an literally piece of crap. Last year I made a lot of plans. And guess how many them I actually did? One plan and two halfs. I did register my company, I did learn the basics of playing the guitar and I did get a little big. Note that the last two things were not done completely. Most of my plans for 2013 are still the same. The difference is that now there are fallbacks(i.e. in case I don’t get big enough, I will run a steroid cycle). I also have deadlines to the plans. Most of them must be finished until march. I know it will be hard, but I will have to do it if I want my life to get better. I really really will have to, no matter what. Also, I started testosterone replacement therapy(my T levels were similar to the ones from a 45 YO guy), which is making me a lot more motivated. I’m also no longer depressed because of it. Things will be much easier now. So, 2013 must be the year of the DOs. I have to act and make stuff happen. I know it won’t be easy, but what was easy in my life? NOTHING! Get a Mac? Toke me some months. Get rid of school? Toke me years. Learn how to code? Toke me a lot of time to become good at it. Move away from my parents’ home? I lost the count of how many times I almost got back! My plans won’t be any harder than most things I did. And well, I was able to do them so I will be able to make things happen.  I just have to believe. Most people can’t do certain stuff because they don’t believe in themselves. A lot of people say it’s impossible for your arm to grow 10CM in a year. Mine grew this in less than 6 months. Nobody believed it would happen. And I didn’t even take ‘roids. I only started taking them less than 2 months ago because of my low T(and it didn’t make a lot of difference because I’m taking just what I need). Also, not even my parents believed I’d be able to move away from their home so quickly. People keep creating barriers and that’s why they do nothing. I confess I do create some barriers too. And I hope I won’t do this for too long. BTW, this year I also lost my grandaunt, great grandmother and my grandmother’s mother in law(which I considered my great grandmother). Well folks, I wish you a happy new year and I hope everything will work out for me and for you guys!

This song makes me remember my childhood

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