Last year was completely different of every other year. For the very first time in my life I had courage and discipline to fight for what I wanted. I saw a lot of results, some came very quickly. But certain things are too good to be true. I lost everything twice and in the second time, I also lost my hope, discipline and strength.
From a self-confident, respectable winner I ended up turning into a big loser. I think I was never such a loser in my whole life. My self-esteem is incredibly low and I don’t have strength enough to keep going. Years of being mistreated, repressed and beaten are coming all at once.
I wanna find a reason to continue living. I already know where to find it, but getting there is proving to be very difficult. If I was not totally fucked up, this would be way easier. Unfortunately, even if I get there I don’t know if I will be able to find it. I do have two “artificial alternatives” which might not work at all. Besides, I don’t know how easy they will be.
I also tried to get better slowly, but the society just doesn’t help. The world is full of frustrated people and unfortunately they feel important by smashing people who are weaker than them. My body language, facial expression and way of speaking pretty much advertise that I’m a way bigger loser than they’re. So when I start to get better, a loser comes and fucks my progress up. I’m considering fighting those people back, but unfortunately I’m stuck in a city full of cameras, so this is likely to put me in jail.
I really gotta sort this out quickly. I still have a few resources to keep me alive, but unfortunately I won’t have them for long. If I don’t act fast, I will be unable to survive and will lose quite a lot of opportunities that will be hard to get in the future.
Somewhere in London – United Kingdom